The Surprising Power of One Word to Reveal Your Basic Mindset

Are you a "Yes, and" person or a "Yes, but" person?

I learned this distinction not through observing others, but through having a "mirror held" to my own habits.

I was a junior in college, studying acting at LAMDA, the London Academy of Music and Dramatic Art.

We were working with a new director on Shakespeare's play The Winter's Tale. In the midst of one rehearsal, my director said the following to me, specifically, "You say, 'but,' a lot when I give you a comment. Why don't you just try what I'm suggesting?"

Now, this made me feel awful. I was working really, really hard on the play, investing a lot of energy into understanding the text, my character, and how to bring them both to life in a way that was truthful. My "Yes, but's" were my way of wanting to learn more, to understand more. Yet, it seemed I was coming across as more challenging or difficult than I intended. 

Even though I clarified with him after rehearsal that I wasn't trying to resist his notes, the comment stung. It also resonated. 

With this one note, I swiftly learned the power of our words on other people's perceptions of us and how our words really might provide insights into how we actually feel on a deeper level—insights that we may not even recognize.

Years later, I entered an actor's accountability group. We would go around the circle and present what we'd accomplished in the previous month, any obstacles we'd come up against, and what we hoped to achieve in the coming month. One member of the group would very conspicuously answer any well-intentioned suggestion offered to her with a, "Yes, but."  While I'm sure that she appreciated our feedback, it became frustrating for the other members of the group who didn't feel heard. 

More importantly, what opportunities for growth was she missing by continuing to "but" all of the other members' suggestions?

Sometimes we aren't "but-ing" someone else—we are "but-ing" ourselves. 

Yes, I know that I often feel better after exercising, but... (insert excuse here).
Yes, I know that the bag of chips isn't serving my body, but... (insert excuse here).
Yes, I know I'd like to prep more, but.... (insert excuse here).
Yes, I know I have room for improvement in the reading section, but... (insert excuse here).

Now, sometimes we flat-out disagree with a critique or comment, and that's okay. I'm not against dissension. What I am trying to do is illuminate how easy it is to deflect suggestions that might serve us or excuse away habits that might hinder us.


It's much easier to say, "Yes, but," and to revert to the status quo than to truly consider another possibility with a "Yes, and," even though the "Yes, and" has the possibility to take us somewhere new and exciting.

The great thing about "and" instead of "but" is that it keeps the conversation going.
"But" is a stop sign. "And" is a green light. {Tweet It}

Even if you proceed and realize that the new approach doesn't work, or that now isn't the right time to implement such a change, you can always readjust having given the idea due consideration. It's about being present to new ideas rather than stuck in the way we're used to doing or perceiving things.

Watch yourself for a few days. How often do you tell yourself or others "Yes, but," rather than "Yes, and?" What's one "Yes, but" that you can open up to a "Yes, and."

As the saying goes...

Get off your "but," and make a change. 

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